Psalm 4
A Report From Satan: A Theodicy

"Bad morning, everyone!" Hehehe, my name is Satan. I hope you are having a rotten day and have a lousy life. What a messed up world we live in, doesn't that old man upstairs know what in the world he is doing? Actually God is so great, wonderful, marvelous, loving and kind that I am jealous. I hate him. I am merely a created being. But no one made him. He is the only true God. He is perfect. He doesn't need anything. He never changes. If he changed then that would mean he wasn't perfect in the first place. If God could improve he wouldn't be God, would he? He is one of a kind. I want to be like him. At one time long ago I thought maybe I could take his place. I am one of the three most powerful angels in the hierarchy. I convinced about one third of the lesser angels to be my followers. I convinced them of my power. I convinced them I could overthrow God from his throne and take over heaven. I even convinced myself; I am so good at lying even I believe my lies. I guess I hated God so much I was willing to be blinded by my hate. I wanted to take over the throne. I thought I had the power. I thought I could ascend above the most high God. But when I tried, God threw me out of heaven so fast I looked like a bolt of lightening. He humbled me. He cast me down. He drove me from his presence. He sent me to earth. Earth is not really my kingdom. This world belongs to God. And I am not allowed to tell you why God is letting me live here. I am not allowed to tell you why God hasn't just thrown me in the slammer of hell yet. I don't really know why God is letting me loose for this season of time. That is the mystery of evil.

Why did God let me into the order of creation? I guess if I knew every thing like God I never would have tried to take over heaven. But one thing I know: I'm jealous. I hate him for being better than me. And since I can't be better than him I will spend my time making him look bad. Ha-ha. And God lets me back into his presence occasionally...I can still make trips to heaven to accuse the believers of wrongdoing...

Actually, my real name is not in the Bible. The title "satan" means accuser, slanderer. In the New Testament, "devil" occurs thirty-seven times, "satan" thirty-six times, and various other titles are given to me such as Beelzebub (Lord of the Flies), adversary, enemy, the evil one, prince of this world (I like that one!), tempter, dragon, serpent, roaring lion, and so forth, you get the picture. No pitch forks or red suits for me. I am a being who goes around making God look bad and I also go around making that creature created in the image of God to look bad. Humans. Why, that's you. I love to send messages back to heaven about how you earthlings sin. I love to accuse you people. I love to get neighbors gossiping about each other. It's so much fun. I'm great at it. Look how I did with the O.J. Simpson story through the media! I am a pro at making people suffer. But what I really love is to get people to doubt God. I love to get you to believe God is no good or doesn't care about you. I want you to believe that I am God. Even if it's with a small "g", a god, I'll take it.

I know my future. It will be spent in hell. Hell was prepared to be my prison for all eternity. But whoever I can blind and deceive will join me there. I know God loves you and if I can keep you full of human wisdom and doubting his revealed words I can destroy you and break God's heart. Every sinner I take to hell with me means sorrow for God. It's the only way I can take vengeance. That theologian Andrew Sung Park said some smart things in The Wounded Heart Of God (page 21):  I won't quote it exactly because my specialty is distortion and misquotation, however...

God is suffering also! He cares when we hurt. God suffers not because sin is all powerful, but because God's love is too ardent to be apathetic towards human suffering. No power in the universe can make God vulnerable but a victim's suffering breaks the heart of God. The cross represents God's full participation in the suffering of victims.

So I am going to step on as many of you cockroaches as possible.  Here's my strategy. I tried to destroy humankind right from the beginning. I brought deceit and subsequently death came into the world to destroy God's beloved creatures. But God had another plan, that is, to bring salvation and everlasting life and to make a creature who would be superior even to me, even yours untruly! Don't dare open your Bibles, but it says in Hebrews 2:5-10 that humans are made a little lower than the angels, but after you experience the resurrection and take on a glorified body you will have more power than Satan or any angel. God has been messing up my strategy still more. He chose a particular group of people called Jews. I have been trying to destroy that nation Israel since Abraham. I had a really hard time doing that as you see in Genesis and Exodus. God keeps untangling every mess I make. I do have some apparent successes; I mean Genesis begins in a plush paradise between four rivers and ends with a coffin in Egypt. The believers know that the dead won't stay dead and so aren't defeated by the bleak image of reality around them. But, I am still seeing you guys drop dead as I planned, and it provides me some amount of pleasure, but somehow I am losing. It seems like I have wins. Somehow even through the weaknesses of these Israelites God has managed to give us his Word and a plan for redemption through the sacrificial system. That God outfoxed me. He is using death to save you people! Even when I arranged Jesus Christ to be crucified and had the son of God destroyed, God used that for your good. Without the cross there would be no empty tomb, no resurrection, no salvation for you. I thought on that so-called Good Friday I had Jesus out of the picture. I thought I had a victory, but curses, I failed again. I failed big time. All I can do now is keep you from believing this good news of the resurrection. I better shut up about it already...How about some sin? You look like you could use a "good" dose of something sinful...

Let me say this one more time. The biggest trick I have is to make people like you believe that God is mean and not good. I use logic and reason. For instance, if God is all powerful, why doesn't he stop me now, why doesn't he stop crime, starvation, and sickness right now? If he has the power and he is good why doesn't he do something more? Actually even I don't know the answer to that one. You know if a person doesn't have faith in God's goodness, I can really abuse them with that one. If a person does not take this as a starting point for reality, then I got him or her hooked! I have a lot of college professors in the bag on this because philosophy and science require evidence and proof. In order for them to write books they must use proofs and sound smart. I got evil down to a science, you might say! God offers real proof, but it takes eyes of faith to see. He made the world. He left his signature all over it. Prayer is the best test tube to prove there is a God. Talk to him and you'll understand him better. Let him talk to you through his words in the Bible. Science does prove God, but not science cracked by theories of persons needing a job and stature. Hey, wait a minute I am not supposed to tell you all this good stuff. Forget what I said. Listen to every thing any Phd. says and leave it all to us experts. We are qualified; you are just one of the billions of ignorantly happy masses, so stay that way.

Meanwhile God requires faith and reason. As long as I can slander and cast him in doubt, and call God into the courtroom of logic and justice, I can continue to control. But if people have faith that God is good, that God is loving and kind, that God is a benevolent monarch or king, they will know the truth and be set free from my slavery of imperfect knowledge. If people believe God's character is questionable, then they will never go to him for forgiveness of their sin. Then they will only depend on their own ways and decisions. Then every one will have no sense of right and wrong. Without a God every one will do that which is right in their own eyes. It will be hell on earth. War. Crime. Selfishness. My kingdom. But if they trust in the good Lord, they will find the key to the mystery of reality. They will understand the meaning of life and existence: to love God and to love people as oneself. Ssshhh. You didn't hear that from me.

I'm getting bored. I need to do something wicked. Before I do, let me quickly give you a rundown on some other lies I love to use.

• If I could just get young people to believe drinking alcohol is the way to become grown up and look adult...
• If I could get young people to look at pornography or jump in bed without the marriage license instead of learning God's ways about sexuality...
• If I could get people to believe stealing and cheating are the best and easiest ways to get things...
• If I could get people to believe skipping the worship of God to take your family out is more important...
• If I could get you to believe that religion is just a prescientific voodooish magical worldview which has no say-so in this logical philosophical scientific and technological society...
• If I could get Christians to fight with each other...
• If I could get folks to believe hell is one big awesome party and heaven is a boring eternal church service...ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
• Oh, but if I could get you to believe God doesn't care and is no good for you...
  For my favorite lie is to get you to doubt God and his goodness. That's why they call me the slanderer, the devil, the satan. Next time you have a problem, don't turn to the Lord for help. Just blame him for allowing you to get in that rotten mess. Gotcha!!